ewankona

I choose not to go because right now is the point where I need to separate myself from my dreams. My dreams and my obligations go hand in hand at one important intersection, but right now is the point where the latter comes before the former. I cannot give my dreams the luxury of being sublimed into reality bit by bit. The only deed of promise i could give is the security of not letting go. It's hard to understand. It's just that I know myself better than anyone else and this is how I cope with getting myself right on track.

I'm doubly hurt, and it bleeds twice inside, but I will heal as soon as it's over.

Carpe diem!

***

sa mga nagkokoment sa entries ko, maraming salamat. pasensya at hindi ko na kayo nareplyan sa tinakdang panahon. kaya eto, general msg na lang pero mula sa puso, thank you.

tuwikspalangayawkonakagadaray

my sister's being an ass. i hate it..

i'm literally a boarder in this house. i sleep in the living room. i wake up very early in the morning when they're all off to work to transfer in either my brother's room or my sister's (which is relatively MINE as well) because my eyes can' t stand the sunlight passing through the big windows. i cook my own food. i buy my own shampoo, my own soap, my own tissue, etc. i ask for the key to the airconditioned room if i want to use it. i don't have my own pillows. i don't have a towel which i can call mine.

and today my sister told me to get lost and go back to manila (and never come back.) she said i make everything a mess in this house, that i'm a nuisance, etc etc etc. and it was all because i didn't let her use either my phone or the computer to text her boyfriend. she's been like that since the other day. putangina pinapaloadan ko na nga siya e. lintek. pota. three consecutive days pinapaloadan ko sya sa friend ko just to keep her from using my phone (smart kasi sya at globe ako at smart ang boypren nya!!!) and bugging my internet life.

where do all of friendship and sisterhood go when THE BOYFRIEND comes in???

it's just yesterday that i decided to be happy. but now, i'm slowly slipping out of it.

breathe in, breathe out, exhale and inhale.

all i need is a good defense coz i'm feeling like a criminal -fiona a.

hindi ko alam kung paano lalagpasan ang gabing ito ng hindi ako lumuluha.

patawad.

I find strength in my confinement, when i'm staring at the wall and talking in my head. It's the moment when the weaknesses in me very slowly claw their way out my system. It's all pain and disappointment, until I can no longer find the strength to endure, but I never stop enduring. I guess it's because strength is not really a matter of whether you can bear whatever kind of pain or not. Strength is more like recognizing the pain in your weaknesses and discovering your weaknesses thru your pain. 

I feel. Therefore, I'm thankful.

I always get this terrible thing of forcing myself to blog when some two years ago, as enerirenie said, I would blog like every ten minutes a day. But I just consider this as one of the frequent blog cutoffs I get whenever I don't really feel like sharing with the whole world. I don't know. It still feels terrible sometimes cuz it seems like I'm being too lazy to write or to think what to write or to even think, period. Or maybe because, unlike before, right now there's not a particular person whom I would want to wag my blog at just to say something or to make an impression (a rather good one at that), or to cast my fury and my frustrations on. Yeah, I'm guilty of that sometimes. Maybe some of you are, too.

It bothers me, really. For some reason I'm weirded out by the fact that I do that, blogging to get a certain message across to someone in particular. Though I still think it's normal and it's one of the main functions of the www regardless of whether you achieve to get your message across or not. The crucial thing there is getting it out your system. Oh my I think I'm going in circles. In any case, I just wanted to let you all know that this blog is not meant for a specific person. Hahaha.

I like typing away most of  the insufferable mental states that I commonly get.  Yeah,  I know  everyone's like that.  Well, I just wanted to say. Hihi. Cuz I don't think I still have anything more to say. Just typing away my sleepiness and haggardness from rehearsals.  Just finished blocking the whole 25 minutes of it and it's quite a relief except that my guy actor wasn't around today. Yeah, this very important day when we got to do all the moving about onstage. Haaay...

I couldn't quite get the right words to say how much my directing class has affected the whole crazy being in me. It's actually a mix of good and bad things. But I do hope the good reigns at the curtain call. I'm just lucky to have such talented and compassionate friends who are willing to sacrifice a little piece of their life for me. I'm loving the conversations we have about their respective characters, and how this affects that, and how certain things move certain things. It's quite a learning experience for me, and I guess also for everyone in this production.

Thanks Ate Betty for knowing how much everything you do means to me. Ang sabi mo nga "kaya nga tayo magkaibigan."

Thanks Hogi for crossing the other side of the world just to give me an extra hand.

Thanks Kuya Ed for not forgetting and giving all your efforts to make this work.

Thanks Frances for your constant being there.

Thanks Ayn for your unwaning support as a friend.

I guess this blog's meant for certain people after all.

***

Happy mother's day to my mom. I just wrote her an email today telling the bunch of chaos that's happening in my life right now and how glad I am that I'm doing what I love to do. I almost burst into tears when I said I missed her... cuz I really do.

how was that funny?!?!? someone almost killed me! ME! The most awesome sensational super human being in the world!! and i almost killed the stupidest living organism known to the living world out of road rage? >< OMG It still pisses me off just thinking about it.  I NEED A LIVING PUNCHING BAG! MIMAY COME HERE 

anyway, i emailed your mom the career site for my work. =\ i don' tknow what kind of work she's looking for or interested in and there's way too many jobs listed on that site so i just gave her the link. she hasn't responded or anything. i told her she could ask me questions. i know your mom seems bored here. but don't ask me to try to cheer her up. i don't do entertainment. that's your job. lol and i hope you're not expecting me to do anything for mother's day. this year my effing mom would be damned lucky if i even get her flowers

¬_¬ effing ungrateful bitch

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...yeah, your days sound a bit stressful. why don't you reuse actors? is that a big directing no-no or something? =P maybe if you did a comedy act or something it'll lighten your spirit (as well as your actors) and you wouldn't be so stress out so much. XD lol ok so i'm a retarded amateur and i have no idea what i'm talking about but dude =P don't slit your wrists over perfection. i thought you of all people would know that there's no such thing as perfect acting.


ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU PROCRASTINATE LIKE THAT, MIMAY!!!

don't act like you don't knwo what i'm talking about. i know you're procrasting there!! It's in our blood! STOP PROCRASTINATING!

XD and if you're not then ok....DO YOUR SHIT EARLY!

i have pent up rage if you haven't noticed. it's cuz it's hot. makes my short temper even shorter. stop laughing at me already.

May nagtanong sa akin noong isang araw: "kamusta na si superman?"

May isang minuto siguro akong napag-isip sa tanong niya. Hindi ko alam kung naguluhan ba ako sa tanong niya o nabigla o natawa o nainis. Kasi di ba Spiderman ang uso ngayon tapos bigla niyang tinanong e Superman? Akala ko nagkamali lang siya nang pagtatanong. Akala ko inisiip niya na napanood ko na yung Spiderman (na palabas in ALL TWELVE CINEMAS sa SM North kahapon) at gusto nyang malaman kung nagustuhan ko ba ito.

Mali pala ako.

"Ahh..." Ang sabi ko sa isip ko. Naalala ko na kung anong Superman ang pinagsasasabi niya. Nakakatawa. Nakapagtataka. Hindi ko alam kung anong naisip niya at naitanong niya sa akin kung kamusta na si Superman. Mas natuwa pa siguro ako kung tinanong niya kung kamusta ang Spiderman na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa napapanood.

Ang lagay kasi e wala ng Superman sa buhay ko.  Matagal na. Hindi naman talaga ako nagkaroon ng Superman. Dumaan lang siya sa harap ko ng mabilis. Sinubukan ko siyang habulin kaya lang di ba halos speed of light na ang bilis niya kaya ayun, naiwan ako.

Ang alam ko nakita niya ako e. Sigurado ako. Nakita niya ako. Ang laki laki ko e, panong di niya ako makikita? At saka di ba malakas ang senses niya? Dapat lang na nakita niya ako.

Pero hindi niya ako pinansin. At alam kong pinili niyang hindi ako pansinin.

Siguro may ibang mga bagay, lugar, o tao siyang kailangang puntahan at sagipin. Siguro nga no? E paano kung katulad ng nakita ko sa trailer ng Spiderman na sinabi ni MJ kay Peter Parker na "even spiderman needs help"? Pano kung ganon ang sitwasyon na Superman needs help? Hehe. Sinabi na 'to nung nagtanong saken tungkol kay superman e. Sinabi niya dati, "Mimay, some people need help." E paano ko nga siyang matutulungan noon e parati niya akong nilalagpasan?

Hindi ko siya kayang habulin gustuhin ko man. At siguro hindi ko na rin ginustong habulin siya. At siguro kahit steady ka lang nagmamasid habang dumaraan si Superman sa harap mo ng maraming beses, mapapagod ka rin. Mapapagod ka ring habulin siya sa pamamagitan ng pagtitig, ng pakikinig, at ng pagngawa ng mga bagay na nais mong sabihin sa kanya pero dahil sa Doppler Effect ay hindi ka nga niya maririnig sa bilis niya.

Ayun. Gusto ko lang isara sa loob ng napakahabang panahon at sa maraming attempt kong isara ang pirated dvd ni Superman. Tutal hindi naman siya tinatanggap ng dvd player kong orig (nahaks..pota), at saka tatlong beses ko na siyang napanood sa sinehan.

Sayonara.

Here's one of the first run-thrus we tried at the Casa Zulueta:

There's only one section for Comm 191 in CRS. And guess who's teaching that section...

Prof. Victor Avecilla.

I knew it.. I'm not graduating till 2008.